(I'm back! And with my second apocalyptic post in a row, no less!)
Dear Christian Friends Anticipating the Rapture:
I am here to provide any and all post-Rapture services you may desire, at highly affordable rates. Sending letters to friends, walking your dogs, speaking highly of you and your accomplishments when you're gone, kicking someone's ass on your behalf--you name it, you pay for it, I guarantee it will get done. Call me! Email! Friend me on Facebook! Tweet me!
And God bless! No, really, GOD BLESS.
Your left-behind friend,